A Relationship from Cover to Cover - Prelude

I knew I was late.  At that point I had already pushed the meet-up time by an hour.  Still, I found myself racing to the parking deck with my heart beating fast and my shoes lost somewhere in the ocean of crap in the backseat of my car.  Just when I thought the night would be horrible before it even started, I saw the reverse lights of a Chevy parked as close as I could get to the restaurant.  Finally, a stroke of luck.  I fished out my shoes, adjusted all adjustables, and walked toward our dinner spot for the evening. 

E: Hey, are you inside the restaurant?

B: I am...outside. Waiting for a table.

Great.  That says one thing - she'll be standing outside, watching me walk up to the place while I was left out in the open to desperately scan the crowd and attempt to find a face familiar to the one I had been staring at over online conversations for the last two weeks.  Mission one.  Here we go...

I spotted many people.  A young couple with a terrier puppy sitting on a bench near the front door.  An older man assisting his wife into the car.  A pair of couples with about 4 or 5 kids running around them.  Where is she? As I got closer, I finally saw the one girl standing alone, entertaining herself by trying to keep her balance while teetering on the curb.  That had to be her.  She was the only solo female outside.  With not much to lose, I walked right up to her and threw my arms up for our first hug.

The night continued with great conversation, good food, a wonderful atmosphere, and a sprinkle of awkward moments to dwell on for the remainder of the night...

Love

Once upon a time, I was a young, beautiful girl, in love with an older, seemingly charming man.  The night I met him, I felt a fire inside.  It wasn't love at first sight.  It was excitement, lust, intrigue, and curiosity.  At that moment, I didn't know what was to come.  I had no idea I was embarking on one of the most life-changing relationships of my life, thus far.  Being in love with this man was a hard lesson to learn.  I was putty to him.  He shaped me in ways I never thought I'd bend.  He would mold me into an innocent angel and then find ways to remold me into a monster.  With every press of his fingers, I gave in.  I never fought his creativity with who I would be from one day to the next.  Not until the end.  I just allowed  him to pleasure his own need for guiltless love and I played the role to perfection.  So much so, that I could anticipate his next desire and stay a step ahead.  Eventually, I was pretty much damaging myself, without him having to even start to reshape me.  I did it for him.  After years of losing myself and willingly allowing this abuse to occur, I was faced with an important decision.  I had to stand alone, and decide whether I wanted to live, or to die and live in him.  Although this may seem like a simple and easy decision to make, the stakes were high on both sides.  I could bleed out and breathe his air for the remainder of my existence or face a faceless girl.  If I chose life, I'd have to find it as well.  "My life" no longer existed.  I had to accept a quest to find myself again.  After many tears and sleepless nights, I decided to pack my bags and search for the girl at the bar five years before that day. 

In a blind search for something, I accepted everything.  I had such a large void in my nothingness, that I was desperate to fill with meaning.  My first goal was to recuperate the family I had lost.  For taking me back, as broken as I was, I owe them my everything.  I lost many friends and was unable to repair many relationships with them, but I held onto the love we once shared.  Our memories will forever remain imprinted in who I was to become. 

Still, I never found romantic love.  I tried.  Love found me a few times, but I walked away from it.  I realize now, that even with the fruitful relationships I have been able to build, I still cannot love another.  I cannot seem to figure out how to unlock my heart and open it to another.  Fear of becoming lost again has overwhelmed me and has kept me from opening my eyes to the possibility of true love.  So I sit here today, a broken women on the path to solidity.  I sit here today, a woman who is still as lost as ever.  But I sit here today, in the hopes of finding what people strive for every day.  I want to love again.  I'm ready.